I’m writing to you this time in a different style. I’m telling you a story today.
As I was walking alone today in Singapore streets listening to my music, watching people walk past me, cars driving, pondering some thoughts; I see a butterfly moving from branch to branch on some leaves on my right. I try to take a picture but it wouldn’t stop still for a milli-second. It was so beautiful as it opened its wings, very mesmerizing. So I just enjoy looking at it flying away, from branch to branch. I continue walking with a smile thinking to myself: ‘I feel that this butterfly came just for me’. At that moment it just hit me. I feel like I am this butterfly. And I smile even more.
Maybe it will sound silly to you, maybe it won’t make sense if you do not really know me and the life I live. I hope I can make you understand. Sometimes I don’t even understand myself.
So as I continue walking and listening to music, I start feeling down. It all hits me and I realize something. The moment I felt like I am a butterfly, I felt free. Like I can breath, I can do anything I want, go anywhere, no limitations really. But is that the reality of my life? I ask myself. And the answer is ‘NO’.
As much as I would like that to be the case, it isn’t. I mean yes I get to go places I never dreamed I would go. I get to do things I never even knew I could do. I get to live a life that so many dream of and wish to be in my shoes. But let me tell you, I live a lonely and empty life with no stability, with no home. I am just like a butterfly free to go anywhere, but without a place I can call home. Home to me is where I can relax, be myself, feel secure, feel loved, be with the ones I truly love and most of all the place where I really Want to be.
Living as a butterfly isn’t a normal and secure life as far as I have experienced. Yes I go to many places but with that comes challenges and experiences sometimes I wish I didn’t have to experience, even though I was destined to. Then again I ask myself: what’s normal anymore? And who decides what normal is? Well, the answer to that is: ME!
It is up to me to decide how and where to live my life. What makes me happy is up to me. Only I know myself. Only I know where my peace is. I know I can’t have it all. And I know that beggars can’t be choosers. And I also know that the grass is always greener on the other side. All that I know ….and more.
Yes I do have happy moments. I won’t deny. Yes I still get excited every time I go to a new place or a place that I have been to several times that I now know how to get around without a map. I always get mixed emotions. One thing that remained steady with me is that I really miss my life on ground. I miss my home. I miss my bed. I miss being able to pick up the phone at any time of the day, to call my best friend, to talk about what’s bothering me. I miss kissing my mom on her cheeks and holding her in my arms and know in my heart she loves me so much. I miss getting in my car whenever I want, to go visit my grandparents or go help them with an errand. I miss going out of my house to see any of my friends not calculating what time I should be home to get enough rest and what time I should stop drinking. I guess what I want to say is I miss not having limitations and rules to live by. I do like to live free. And as free as my life may seem, it is as free-less as it gets. And who said I don’t have a responsibility towards anything or anyone. Ofcourse I do. I have a responsibility towards myself. I have to take good care of my health, my well being, my physical appearance, my sanity, and most of all not to loose who I am. And that may be the hardest task of them all. It is easy to get sucked into this care-free lifestyle. But it takes a really determined and strong willed person not to fall into that trap.
A butterfly is what I always wanted to be.
A butterfly is what I always thought was me.
A butterfly is what I have become and now I see.
A butterfly is a dream and it’s definitely not for me.
These are my thoughts on being a butterfly and today I learned something new about myself. I don’t wanna be a butterfly anymore.