Conversation with My Heart

How many times will I keep going through this? How much more can my heart take? Why do I always end up in the same spot every time? Do I continuously make wrong choices and am I that bad in my judgements? It’s at times like these when I think I know nothing. I think I do, but obviously I don’t.

There is no point in pointing fingers. There is only one finger to be pointed at and that one is towards me. I did this to myself. I brought on the pain, the hurt, the heartache. When I scream out loud and say “ahhhhhh”. That is because I didn’t protect myself better. I didn’t shield myself even though I said I would. Looks like I don’t know how. I’ve tried and I can’t do it. I failed myself yet again. I failed my heart. And all I can say to my heart is that:”I’m so sorry, I’m sorry I let you down, I’m sorry I put you through that again. I’m sorry I didn’t take better care of you even though I knew you were fragile. You had been through so much. You just took it all in and you only cry out when the pain is too much to handle. I hear you crying, I hear you agonizing, I hear you loud and clear.

Yes I’m talking to my heart. I’m doing something I’ve never done before. I am separating my heart from myself. And this time, I will lock it up – maybe for good. I don’t know. But it feels like the right thing to do right now. And that is not pain talking. That is my mind finally realizing that drastic measures need to be taken. I needed a wake up call I guess, to come to a conclusion. And that I must not allow myself to hurt my heart like that ever again.

It is true that when we are hurt, we say things we don’t mean. We start making decisions out of pain, disappointment, and maybe even anger. The stages of heartache will be many and I’m expecting the worst this time. That’s because it’s the biggest pain of them all. How do I know that. I just know I can’t explain it.

I’m here and I’m not here. I’m feeling things but I’m numb. I’m living but dead inside. I feel nothing. I say nothing. I do nothing. I just exist. Day comes I get out of bed. I find things to occupy my mind so I don’t think much so I won’t cry much. But at some points along the day; I remember, and I burst in tears. I can’t stop crying until I’m out of breath. Then comes night, I go to bed, I start thinking, remembering, trying to understand what’s happening. I keep thinking, this is a dream, right? Then it all hits me again …. No it’s real. I lose it. I can’t stop crying again. So I keep crying in the dark until I cry myself to sleep. When my body can’t take it anymore, I just drift away for a couple of hours till my body wakes me up, I open my eyes, and I remember all over again.

I know this cycle will end at some point. Things will change. My life will take me in a different direction. I will meet people eventually. I will start talking, possibly even laughing. I will get back to some normality, whatever normal is at this point. I know things are going to change. Nothing stays the same. I won’t be hurting forever. I will find a way to get over the pain. In other words, I will find a way to live with it. It won’t disappear between one day and one night. It will take time. Time will heal the wound. But time will not make me forget. It may not be so easy to let go, but what choice do I have. Holding on to pain is not going to bring back what’s gone. Nothing I do will change the outcome. This is one of those situations where it’s out of my control. And that’s probably where my anger comes from. That there is nothing in my power to do, to change the situation. Nothing.

Accepting things for what they are is the healthiest way to move on. Reliving the pain over and over will not get me anywhere. So I have a choice to make here. Try to save what’s left of my heart, or throw it all away. Sounds pretty dramatic I know. Some may think its exaggerated a little. But I am very sure, it is not exaggeration. It’s the reality. It’s my reality. Only I know how I feel. Only I know how to deal with my pain. Only I know what is good for me. Although I wonder, given my track record, do I?

I should have walked away long time ago. I should have listened to the voice of reason. But I didn’t. Once again I followed my heart. And where has it gotten me to the hundredth time. Well, we all know it … Nowhere land. I ask myself: am I worse off or better off than when I started this journey. A part of me wants to say worse, the other says better. Worse, because I’m hurting, I’ve been scratched and wounded. I will experience some dark days ahead. I will be a different person for a while; less happy, les excited, less lively. It will change with time I’m sure. I’ve been through this before. I know how it goes. But on the other hand, I want to say I’m better off, because there is a lesson I learned throughout this experience, or should I say lessons. I learned one important thing that I didn’t pay attention to almost all my life. And that is the way I glow when I am truly happy. I’ve never had so many people notice my smile and how happy I was until this experience. I’ve been happy before, but not like this. I know it deep in my heart. This experience made me truly alive, truly loving life. It brought out the best of me. It created a brand new me just when I thought I was at my best already.

And these lessons, my heart, you need to appreciate because, if I haven’t put you through it, you wouldn’t know what you can be, what you can feel. You now have to deal with the best of it and the worst of it. Don’t let it destroy you. Don’t let it change you back to where you don’t wanna be. Hold on to the good lessons, forget the bad feelings. It is not worth taking space in there. There are others that need you, others that appreciate you, others that truly know your value. My heart, I know I’ve tortured you a lot and saying sorry won’t change anything and it won’t make it any easier. Give me a chance to do right by you this time. Let me protect you a little better. I will be careful from now on. I will treasure you like you deserve to be. Just because some don’t know how to, doesn’t mean I don’t know too. My heart, you are to be cherished, you are to be valued, those who didn’t do it, they don’t deserve you.

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