During one of my falling apart moments, I was having an imaginary conversation with him and all of a sudden it just hit me.. He didn’t know how to love me. Am I trying to find a reason, an explanation or an excuse? whichever, what if it is true. What if he really didn’t know how to love at all? What if it has nothing to do with me? I just so happened to be the ‘lucky’ one on the other end of his inexperience.
I don’t really know where I am going with this thought. As a matter of fact, it won’t change a thing. It won’t make me hurt any less and it won’t help me forgive either. But what this realization might actually do is help me understand things that didn’t make sense to me. All these questions that are running through my mind, eating me alive. I need answers. And even if I were to ask him directly, I do not trust that I will get the right answer or the answer I am looking for anyway to find peace. That is not to say that he will lie to me. It may just be that even he doesn’t know the answer himself. So why would I go down this road and I know that anything I hear may or may not even be what is really going on.
Here I go again down the same road of asking questions and needing answers. Why is that? I guess I just need to put the pieces of the puzzle together. I need to somehow look at the big picture, instead of focusing on things from my perspective only. I think this would be the best way to move on and put it all behind me just like all the other stories of my life. It is time to close this chapter, better yet, let me close that book all together.
So here I am asking myself these questions, and I say to you; my readers, have you ever been in this position before? Have you been hurt so bad that the first thing you did was blame the other person for what went wrong … followed by taking all the blame on yourself, trying to take responsibility for your actions and your decisions that led you to this point of heartbreak .. then you start questioning everything from the beginning to the end and you wonder if it was all a lie, perhaps a dream, or even some sort of a nightmare that you will wake up from in the morning. You amaze yourself by the thoughts that start running through your mind .. your imagination is put to the test. You start creating scenarios, possibilities, what ifs … you name it. You pick the best answer that suits you and would help you move on and you stick to it, never mind if it was the real reason, but it suits you – so there you go. I guess we are all crazy then. We have conversations with ourselves. We ask the questions and we answer them too. Don’t deny it and say you don’t do that – you know you do …. I just admitted to you I am crazy – it takes guts to do that. But hey – if I am saying I am crazy, maybe I am not really crazy. Because if you are crazy, you always deny it and say you are normal when clearly you are not. Interesting … hmm
Thought I would lighten things a bit. Hope I made you smile. I know I say heavy stuff sometimes and I know it makes you think, maybe even hits a sensitive spot for you. I know I am not the only one that experiences these things, that is why I write about it and I share my thoughts with you, even though they are very personal thoughts to me and should technically remain private. But I choose to make myself vulnerable and open up to you about my experiences, my feelings, my joys and my disappointments, because I know someone out there will read this and can relate to me and will realize that they are not alone either. We are all in this together. I may not know you personally. I may never see you or speak to you. But in my heart I feel that I am speaking to you – to each and every one of you who reads my posts. You know I speak from my heart. You feel my pain at times. And so I feel connected to you … and that is what I am here to do … living my life purpose with you and through you. Thank you for reading, thank you for listening, I feel better knowing that someone out there understands what I am going through and maybe even wishing me well. From my heart to yours .. I wish you all – no more pain – no more heartache – no more wasted tears.