What is the first thought that comes to your mind when you read this title? Do you immediately come up to your own conclusion about what will be written in this post? That also depends if you are a man or a woman. I am writing this with the intention to reach both genders. I am doing my best to stay objective and not get emotional about the subject. So bear with me and give me a chance to explain my point of view.
I am fully aware it is a sensitive subject; a dangerous one too. What does it mean by being ‘the other woman’. Bluntly speaking, it means a woman have put herself in a position in which she is not her man’s first choice. She is an option, she is secondary to another woman. She came into a man’s life while he is tied with someone else and in some cases, with OTHERS. Why does she accept this kind of relationship. Why did she get involved in it to begin with. What is the driving force that makes a woman fall in love with a man that is already married; with kids at times. What is it that a woman thinks will accomplish by getting romantically and sometimes sexually involved with a man that is involved with another woman and does not end that relationship? And by relationship it can mean: marriage, engagement or dating. My question to you, the other woman, why do you sell yourself short? Why are you putting yourself through this pain? And on the other hand, my question to you, the man with a wife, fiancé, or girlfriend, why do you allow yourself to get involved with someone else when you supposedly already have someone? Do you ever stop and think about what you are doing to both women? Is this all about you in the end?
I have known women that have been the first choice, they find out their man is seeing someone else and somehow they continue in this relationship, accepting being cheated on and humiliated. They justify to themselves or I should say they convince themselves that they should stick it out. Either they think the man will one day change, which we all know it does not happen, or they say I’m staying because of my image, or because there are kids in the mix, and the best one I have heard, not to let the second woman win. It is not a laughing matter but I am laughing. Seriously, there is no one winning in this predicament. Everyone is loosing. You are loosing yourselves in the process. You are loosing your self worth, your dignity, your pride as a person. You are admitting indirectly that you have no worth. How do you expect others to respect you and treat you right when you do not make that choice for yourself. Have you asked yourself, what you are doing when you accept or allow your man to continue being with other women. You deserve better than that and you know it. Stop with the excuse of why you should not stand up for what you want. If he leaves you because you say NO, then it is not you who lost … On the contrary, you have won the biggest battle of your life. You know what you are worth and those who do not see it, do not deserve to be with you. Everything else can be resolved. You can always find a way to live even if you have children. You just need to take the first step. Overcome the fear and stand up for your right.
And now I speak to you, the second woman. Maybe you knew that this man was ‘taken’ when you first got involved and maybe you were deceived. The point here is, from the moment you found out he has another woman in his life, why did you continue? Were you hoping he would leave her to be with you? If he is carrying on an affair with you but goes home to her, what makes you think he will ever leave her? And why would you want to break them up anyway, for your own gain? Even if you love each other and the connection between you is indescribable and the chemistry between you is one of a kind and he is the only one that made you happy. Even with all that, he is still not yours. He is not a possession anyways for you to think like that … No one is a possession. We all make choices of who we want to be with but we do not give up ourselves for the other. And what about the innocent children if there is any. What about them? And what about the ‘first woman’. Did you ever think about her? Even if he comes and tells you stories about how evil she may be or how they do not get along anymore or how he is miserable with her and that life with her is impossible. What do you have to do with all this? A man having marital problems or relationship issues with his finance or girlfriend, again I ask you, what does it have to do with you? That is their problems to work out or to end it, not yours. Let them figure out what they want to do with their lives. If he is afraid to take the step or if he is under pressure from family or if he is torn, that is his life, his relationship, his decision. You do not need to hold his hand or provide him with ‘what he’s missing’. You do not need to ‘complete’ him. You do not need to be a Martyr lets say. You were not put on this earth to be the side kick or to be the relief choice. Why are you not looking for someone to complete YOU for a change. You are afraid you won’t find another love like this, another chemistry, another happiness … You are wrong. Because what you have there is not real to begin with. If he was supposed to be yours like you are thinking. He wouldn’t be with another woman. If your love was so special. You wouldn’t have to fight to have it, or beg for it, or wait for it. Wake up and smell the coffee, you are just the other woman and you will continue to be until either he pulls the plug on you or you stand up and realize, you are not his first choice and he never had the intention of leaving his woman to begin with. You were just a toy he played with for a while. He told you all the things you needed to hear, all the things that made you melt, and he got you under his spell. Wake up I tell you. Stop this madness. I know it is tough especially when the heart is involved. But you can break away from this. You can walk away and you will be the winner in the end. You saved yourself and you believed in your self worth as a woman. You deserve to be someone else’s first choice. And you will find love again and you will be happy. Just give yourself the chance to heal and let go of all the insecurities that you have been battling. You are a special woman. So treat yourself like one.
To be continued … Part 2 to follow
Raina, I think you’ve done a beautiful summation of this situation. Sorry I can’t fill in some of your questions, but your thoughtful approach to this subject has given me something to think about. The woman I fell for threw me away for a married man. I treated her like a queen.