The Other Woman – part two

In continuation from my previous post, I have spoken to both women involved with the same man. And now I speak to you, the man who is in the middle of all this. At times I feel for you and other times I have no respect for you. You have feelings but sometimes you either do not show them or you do it in a funny way. Sometimes you are lost just like women are. Sometimes you are under pressure. After all, you are the man. There is so much expectations of you.

There are many reasons why a man will go after another woman even though he is already in some kind of a relationship.  Sometimes Men justify what they do and claim they never meant to do that.  Other times they will claim ‘it just happened’. Yeah right … And then there are those who just do not know how to be faithful.  The other kind you got are the ones who just do not know the meaning of love and tend to use the word negligently. My intention is not to attack men here, this is simply describing what is out there.  These kind of people do exist.  They are surrounding us.  They can even be in your family.  For all I know, I can be describing your own boyfriend or husband.

Maybe your situation is such were your family is forcing you to marry someone for whatever reason it may be. Generally speaking, your parents love you and want the best for you but sometimes their opinion on who you should or should not marry is not what makes you happy. And you find yourself in a situation where it is either you please them or yourself. So you try to have it both ways but it never works in the end because you end up torturing yourself and the women that got involved in this whole mess. If that is the case, you can do one of two things, either option will leave someone unhappy. Please your parents; but you must pay the price for that sacrifice alone. Do not involve someone else’s heart in this. Or follow your heart; make your own choices and deal with the consequences. I cannot judge you and I will not tell you what is best because only you know that. All I can tell you is make a decision and stick to it. Do the right thing and you will have a clear conscious.

On the other hand, if you are the kind of man who enjoys messing with women’s hearts and minds for your own ego and personal pleasures. If you are playing with their emotions knowingly. I have two words to say to you. GROW UP!!! I am well aware that men operate differently than women. And I am not about to pretend to understand you because I still don’t. But I can tell you this, you play with fire, you will get burned. And sadly you will burn those involved. On another note, if you have some insecurities or complexities, get yourself checked please. Do not use your lack of self-confidence to string along two women at the same time in order to feel better about yourself. And do not dare to claim to love them both at the same time and make it like you are the victim and sit back while you watch them both fight to have you. Your ego may get pleased temporarily but the outcome will not be pretty and the day will come and you may lose the one that truly loved you or you lose them both. When you justify to yourself cheating on your woman, I want you to think about this. How would you feel if some man did this to your sister or to your own daughter? Just a question.

I met a lot of married men in my lifetime and I have seen a pattern that freaks the hell out of me. It even makes me wonder if all men are the same. Thus discouraging me from marriage itself. All I have to do is look around the lives I have encountered. It is not fair I know. But from a perspective of a woman, men must understand, you really do not make it easy for a woman to trust you. It’s like you are totally oblivious to the way you treat us. Then you wonder why?? Without getting off topic here, the point I am trying to make is that some married men are not meant for marriage. You do not get the concept of monogamy. If that is who you are, then please do not get married. And that is alright. Not every person can handle marriage. The worst thing you can do is hurt more people in the process.

But not all married man have this complex. Sometimes you are really good men, amazing really. You can be pure at heart, very loving and giving. You can be exceptional fathers and husbands. You could have accomplished a lot in your life. You got the successful job, the house, the car, the great wife and the
kids. You may have gotten married with the girl you were madly in love with years ago. But somewhere along the line, something changed. Maybe it’s life. Maybe you fell out of love for whatever reason. Maybe you and your wife are no longer connected the way you used to be. May be your sexual needs are not being met. Maybe you started to realize you are getting older and it is hard for you to accept. I don’t know what your reason may be, I am sure there are a lot more scenarios here but in any case, having an affair is not the answer.

Unfortunately, some married men will resort to having another woman on the side that they get to relive their younger days with. All the things they are missing they get to have, and at some point, get emotionally attached. They get to laugh again, do fun things, have lots of sex, go out and enjoy the outdoors maybe even travel; do all the things that married life have taken away slowly. And they convince themselves that it is better that way than to be grumpy at home. They even improve their relationships with their wives and are happier than ever. All because the other woman is there when needed. Ask yourselves, is this right? Are you really solving the problem or you just added to it? Now you have really complicated things. You disrespected your wife, you dishonored your vows of marriage, you are fooling yourself and you are torturing another woman with your problems. Not a pretty picture when you start thinking with your right head. You know it’s true. You are being selfish. You are only thinking of your own pleasures. If you have a problem at home, discuss it, work it out with your wife, try and try harder to get back what you lost. Do not throw your marriage away. Think of your children if you have any. And even if you do not, that is not an easy card out. Remember why you married her from the first place. Remember what made you fall in love with her. Recognize that growing older is part of life. Understand that your life now is different but it is not over and it does not have to be miserable. Find happiness in the new situation. Find contentment in what you have accomplished. Be happy you have this life because your fellow-man may not have what you have. And for God’s sake, you know the other woman deserves better than how you have treated her. And don’t think for a second you are not damaging her just because she hadn’t complained or seemed to accept the situation. Don’t you know she is scared to lose you. Don’t you know she has gotten attached to you. Don’t you know she is hurting every time you leave her to go back in your wife’s arms. She may not say a thing but she is dying inside. You may ask her straight up how she feels and she will lie straight to your face and say she is fine with it. News for you, she is lying to herself and to you. And you knew better anyway, you just do not want to take the responsibility sometimes and blame her for staying with you knowing the situation. And you are not totally wrong, it is her fault for being in this mess. But it is also yours for dragging her into it from the beginning.

Yes, men have hearts too. I do not doubt that for a second.  I have met some very sensitive men, very loving and giving too. But I get disappointed when they risk everything they have to get some pleasure. I am not a man and I do not have two heads to think with and maybe I will never understand what it is like.  But I will say this, I know the difference between right and wrong, moral and immoral, living by principles or do whatever suits me at the time. Yes we all make mistakes. Yes we all get tempted. Yes we all have our weak point.  We are all bound to fall in a trap, but it is important to get ourselves out of it before it is too late, before we hurt people who do not deserve this from us, before the damage is irreparable. Who am I to give marital advice or relationship advice anyway. I am no expert. But I have seen things and I experienced things that made me open my eyes a little more.

I do not want to be hard on men because women make the same mistakes that men do.  They cheat, they lie, and they hurt as well.  But as my limited experience in life has shown me, men tend to be the ones that hurt the woman more often. Women are naturally loyal and nurturers.  When they mess up, they must have a real good reason why they changed their core, which is still inexcusable. Men on the other hand, what can I say, it is in their nature that they are not satisfied with what they have, they tend to look for something else that might be better.  Maybe it is how they are made, but it can be controlled and it can be modified. That much I do know. Again, not all men are like this, but it almost seems that way.

To both men and women out there who are involved in relationships that are unhealthy and damaging. I do not have all the answers. I know it is not easy. Love can make you do stupid things. I have done stupid things too. But I know this, first you must love yourself, respect yourself and know your self-worth. In turn, you will respect the one you are with and you will care about their feelings. Most of all you will do the right thing even if it is at your own heart’s expense. Remember karma, you may not get it back right away and in the same way but believe me it does go around and come back to you. If not to you personally, it comes back to your siblings or your children. The price will be paid, one way or another. Be careful when you are messing around with hearts. Hearts were meant to be cherished, not played with. Can you stay alive without your heart beating?? No heart means no life. So have a heart and care about others’ hearts before you break them. This is coming from a woman who has survived being hurt and heartbroken time and time again. I am not bitter. I am not angry. I am not sad. I am a woman with a big heart that cares too much about other people. I am capable of forgiving and I can move on and so can you.  I am capable of starting over and so can you.  I am capable of saying “I was wrong” and so can you. And as far as I know, everyone out there has a heart. Use it please.

One comment on “The Other Woman – part two

  1. Raina, your writings are very thoughtful & insightful. You write of being hurt & heartbroken. I fell for a woman who decided going after a married man, even after she said that she wanted to grow old with me. I blame the other guy just as much. It seems that he wanted a wife & a mistress. Till his wife found out & threw him out. He has 2 daughters, she has one your question of how the person would feel if it was their sister or daughter. Oh that would be such a great justice for their daughters to get screwed over by their husbands.

    As for your speaking of the heart, I don’t think I have one anymore. My heart hurt 24/7 for so long that it doesn’t feel like it exists any more. To quote the song from Alabama “she’s close enough to perfect for me”.

    Best wishes to finding that one.
    God bless you


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