Loneliness

Why do we feel lonely at certain stages in our lives? Is it because we are really alone with no one around us or is it because we are surrounded by many that don’t fulfill what we need from them. Do you feel lonely? or Are you alone? Let us find the differences between these questions today.

I will admit I struggled with that thought throughout my life. I remember that I felt this lonely feeling at times. I was really alone. I had no one to show me genuine care and affection. And even though I was surrounded by people at times, it was almost like they never existed. I felt their intentions were not pure. And I asked myself what if they were not there, would I feel any different? Would I feel better or worse?

It took me a while to differentiate between those who were around me because they valued me and those who were around me to benefit from me. I was deceived many times. I got used, hurt and back stabbed. And through it all, I still believed in my heart that not everyone is going to be like this. And after I became stronger and more aware, I started to weed out the bad company and I nourished the good. It wasn’t easy letting some people go. But I knew it had to be done even if it meant not having anyone around me. I started to understand the meaning of being lonely. And it wasn’t by being physically alone.

In my life I have made many mistakes, but with that comes a price to pay, and on a bright note lessons to be learned.

I was alone by choice at times and at other times by force. My choices and my decisions led me to being alone at certain times in my life. And in a way, I am so glad that this happened to me. It gave me more time with myself. More time to reflect, to plan, to understand things; to just be ME. That was my struggle since I was a child. All I ever wanted was to find myself without being influenced or told how I should be. My inner self wanted to be free. And being alone at certain stages in my life allowed me to fulfill my desires to be the person I wanted to BE. Until the day came, and I honestly don’t even know exactly when that was, but I have an idea about the time frame. A change occurred in me and I found myself. I was able to hold my head up high and I felt complete even when I had no one around. I found happiness from within. I discovered contentment. I knew deep down that I am never alone. I was never really alone.

Then life took me on a roller coaster ride.  And what a ride it has been so far. I wouldn’t change it for anything. With its good moments and bad, with its memories, with its lessons along the way. I lose myself from time to time. I have come to accept that this is part of growing older. I now accept that those times will come. I just never know at what stage and I do not realize it while it is happening. It hits me after I wake up from it. Kind of like now actually. I am getting out of one of my many critical stages in my life. I am learning something new about myself yet again.

A dear friend of mine once told me: “you have to learn to be happy on your own, do not depend on someone else to provide you the happiness.” Those words stuck with me. And I always remember them when my heart breaks. I remind myself that it is ok to be alone for a while. I do not need someone around me all the time to be happy. I can be happy by myself. Besides, who said I am alone? What about all those people who care about me and would do anything to put a smile on my face. My problem is I convince myself I am lonely just because that ‘One person’ I wanted next to me; is not. What a fool I have been.

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