It was Over before it Began

Have you ever had one of those moments where you look back at a relationship that ended and it just hits you all of a sudden, this relationship was doomed from the beginning.  This relationship was over from before it even began.

There were so much signs and you just ignored them.  You chose not to see them because you wanted it to work so badly. You wanted to take control of your life and make things happen at the time you wanted, the way you wanted with whom you thought you wanted.  You realize after the fact that your calculations were all wrong.

Nevertheless, it was an experience you were destined to live.  By all means no point in regretting what you did or how much you tried to make things work.  It is not your fault that it didn’t work out.  There is no one to blame here. But there is a lesson to learn for sure.  You were who you were.  You thought what you thought. We all think we are right.  We know what we are doing.  Isn’t that what we always say to our mom when she warns us.  “Don’t worry mom, I know what I am doing.  I am old enough to make my own decisions and if I make a mistake I am willing and ready to live with the consequences.”  We all do it at some point.  At times we feel like we hear ourselves saying this sentence a little too much for our liking. We almost sound like a broken record.  So may be the questions to ask here today: Why do we repeat the same mistakes? Why are we so blind to see the signs in the beginning? Why can’t we walk away when we have the chance? Why do we always feel we have to win the battle? Why do we start something while deep down we know it is already over?

Let me tell you, not that I have all the answers, I wish I did, I wouldn’t be in this mess myself. But if I were to look back at all my experiences; my relationships, the serious ones and the not so serious, the ones that lasted a long time and the ones that lasted a short time.  I find a common mistake I tend to do and I believe a lot of women will agree with me on that.  I refer to women simply because I am well aware that when it comes to relationships, men tend to think differently and analyze things in a different way.  I admit that I have done this several times, I say to myself: “Maybe he is the one” and as soon as I start thinking like that, everything that I had worked so hard for to be this strong woman goes out the window.  I am now just a girl looking for her Mr. Charming.

So you meet this person and if you feel a connection of some sort from your first meeting, you start to imagine things in your head and start to justify how you were meant to meet and how this could finally be it.  Yes, we do feel that way.  We say to ourselves: “I want this to be it” We say that because we are so tired of this dating crap.  You want to get it over with already and find the person that you can spend the rest of your life with. You are tired of meeting them, getting to know them, do the small talk, learn about the likes and dislikes, their little quirks, and those things that just seem meaningless.  But when you like someone, you are so interested to know everything about them. You want to share with them your stories, the funny ones and the sad ones.  You want them to get to know you better, you want them to like you just as much as you do.  You make time to spend with them, you even cancel plans with your friends just to meet.  Every time you meet, you get closer and closer.  Feelings start to develop and usually it starts from the girl side first.  She starts to get scared, oh it is happening too fast, got to put on the breaks, but it feels so good when we are together, don’t want to stop feeling this way.  And so we become in lala land.  We are falling and we don’t even realize it.  It all feels so real, like this is the way it was supposed to be, like we belonged together, no time to question, no time to think … just feel.  And that is when we miss all the signs that would dictate whether this relationship is doomed or going in the right direction.

We see what we want to see and we close our eyes to the things we do not want to accept or even entertain the thought of it.  When you are in that honeymoon stage, everything seems perfect.  You are blinded by your emotions and desires.  You let go of sense and focus on what makes you happy.  Even though you may start to see some obstacles or think of some things were said. By now you start to analyze “what do they mean by that” and you start to think of the way they look at you, the way they touch you and you over think everything.  We do that because at this point we are getting attached and we refuse to think rationally about this whole thing.  You are happy and that is all that matters. As for obstacles, oh well, you will find solutions for it no doubt.  That is where your head is at.  Nothing will stand in the way of your happiness.  You will not let anything come between you and your new-found love, the person that you think may just be the one you are going to be with forever.  You believe in your heart that good things don’t come easy and so you fight for it with every fibre in you. You have already convinced yourself that this is the best thing that ever happened to you.  Your time of pain and heart ache is over, now it is time to be happy. And so what if there are a couple of things we need to work through, we will get through it together, isn’t that what relationships are all about. So you continue on and you go through the relationship with its good times and bad times. You forgive and you give second and third chances. You get hurt and you still find excuses for them and you convince yourself that they love you just as much as you do.  You refuse to give up now after you have invested your heart in it and you have already given a lot of yourself to this relationship. So you decided to stay strong and fight the battle, you must win … must win at all cost.  But we do not even know what that cost really is. Eventually we find out, and usually when it is too late.

We lose ourselves in the process in addition to more hurt, pain and disappointment.  May be even get turned off the whole thing and give up on love and you convince yourself: “Mr/Mrs Right does not exist.” You go through several stages of grief when it is all over.  You cannot believe you lost the battle and then you get mad at yourself for even fighting this battle to begin with.  You start to see things you refused to see before.  You start to accept the reality of what really was going on, not what you wanted to believe was going on.  Everything seems to be a lie.  It seems like it was a dream you lived in for a while and now you have woken up from that dream and you are trying to make sense of it all. You blame yourself for letting it go this far.  You are mad with yourself because you knew better.  So why did you continue in this lost battle? why were you so stubborn and didn’t listen to the voice of reason?

Simple – You just wanted to be happy. And your mistake was convincing yourself you found it because you are tired of looking.  The problem is you are looking in all the wrong places, and at all the wrong faces. You can be happy and you will be happy whether alone or with the right person.  There is no rush.  When the time is right and when it is the right choice, you will not have to be in a battle and you will not cry.  Just have faith that Mr./Mrs. Right is somewhere out there. If destiny wants you to meet, so you will.

One comment on “It was Over before it Began

  1. You have a really nice blog and I really enjoyed reading your articles. I agree with you, sometimes when we get tired of looking we try to convince our self that we have found what we were looking for and we try so hard to make it work. That was the biggest mistake I made in my life.

    2 years ago, I was supposed to meet in person a guy that I met online. But for whatever reason, I went to meet a different guy instead. And he did the same and went to meet a different woman. For almost 2 years I was with this other guy, it was such a struggle from the very beginning. I tried so hard to make it work. Until this year finally, we completely broke off. As I was looking online again, I saw that other guy I was supposed to meet, he also broke off with the woman he met.

    We had the best weekend of our life, everything just happened naturally. There was no effort on my part, he just liked me and adored me. And I was the same with him. It was such an incredible experience that we knew, we will eventually get married, we were so sure. We were so madly in-love with each other in just a matter of two days. After we parted on Monday morning, he made a phone call to both his Mom and Dad telling them that he just met the most beautiful woman in the world, the smartest most amazing and that he plan to marry her and will take her to New York to introduce to everyone in the family. He told them that he just had the best weekend of his life and that he wants to spend all the weekends of his life with me.

    After that I have not heard from him, for 3 days I was wondering how could somebody seemingly perfect for me and made me feel so special could just throw everything away just like that. I felt like the weekend we had together didn’t mean to him as much as it was to me.

    Then I received a text message from his phone, it was his friend that sent the message. Saying he the guy I spent the weekend with, he had an accident and have been in a coma since Monday after we parted. I went to the hospital immediately and stayed with him for 11 days until he passed away.

    I would have never known how much our weekend together meant to him if not for his friend who notified me via text message about his situation. And I would have never known how serious he was if not for the testimonies of his parents, who I met at an unfortunate time.

    My greatest regret was I stayed with the wrong person for 2 years trying to make it work. While this guy who I was supposed to meet to begin with, I didn’t have to try, it just worked. I could have been with him for 2 years. Another regret was, he didn’t want to go anywhere, he wanted to stay with me on that Monday. He wanted me to work from home so we can be together for another day but I chose to work from the office. I had no idea that we didn’t have any more time left. I am completely devastated.

    Lesson learned, if the person is the right person for you, you wouldn’t have to try. Do not stay with somebody trying to make it work because the right person maybe just around the corner waiting for you… and when you meet… there wouldn’t be enough time left because you wasted all your time with the wrong person 😦

    Like

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