GET MARRIED OR STAY SINGLE?

A hypothetical question I ask or more like a thought now that I am at this stage in my life. Been through different kinds of relationships, experienced good times and bad times, lived some happy days and oh not so happy ones. A lot of times I thought: “this is it, he is the one!” And then boom … NOT!! I know it’s a part of life, nothing is perfect and no one is perfect. But here is a question for you: how do you know if marriage is meant for you? Further more, how do you know if what you think now makes you happy, in the future will still make you happy? Interesting thoughts, right? At least for me it is.

No one can guarantee that the person they are with now, will be there forever. Things change all the times. We change. People grow older, people grow apart, people change their desires, their wants, their needs. What once upon a time was important to you, now no longer is. And it’s not like you do it on purpose just to confuse yourself. You sometimes don’t know why you don’t want the things you wanted before. You can’t explain why this no longer makes you happy. You want something different, something else makes you happy. It just is what it is.

But back to my question of whether to get married or not. I probably wouldn’t be asking this question, let alone the thought itself crossing my mind, if I was living in my parents generation. Actually probably even till late nineties, getting married, and having a family was the most natural thing to do and is a vital stage in our lives. Nowadays, people think differently. I mean, the generation of the 2000s are on a different level. Maybe not all, maybe some are still being raised with right teachings and grow up following the regular phases by finishing their education and then getting married and having kids. But there are a lot of young people who deviated from that pattern and even decided they didn’t want to get married and be tied down. And that goes for Men and Women. It is however, more common for women to want marriage because at some point their maternal instincts kick in. Some start early twenties, some in their thirties, it varies from one woman to the next, but at some point, physically a woman will get the urge to have a baby.

Having said that, in some liberated cultures, a woman having a baby without being married is totally acceptable. On the contrary, in other cultures, that is a death wish for a woman. Or at least, it will be frowned upon and this woman will be under scrutiny forever. The most common thing to do though is to find Mr right, get married, then have children.

From another perspective, nowadays, women are scared to get married. There are a lot of reasons for that. It is based on the dating experiences women go through. It’s what women see happen right before their eyes. It is the stories women hear from their family members or friends who are already married. It’s from the close friendships women have with men who are either married or not. It’s from getting to know men’s secrets, their way of thinking, their behaviors before and after marriage. And more so when women experience the uncertainty of the men they date, or the lack of their faithfulness, or the lack of commitment, and the list goes on. Women start to feel unsafe and unstable, and really, that is all a woman ever wanted from her man, to feel safe. Life is becoming more and more unpredictable by the minute. Nothing is impossible anymore. And why is that?

I wish I had the answer. But one thing I can tell you for certain: “Personally I am scared to get married.” I’m not being pessimistic or negative. I’m being realistic. I have seen more marriages fail than succeed. I have seen men cheat on their wives. I have seen men and women staying in a loveless marriage and being miserable, usually for the sake of the children. I have seen children grow up in broken homes. I have seen men afraid to commit and refuse to take the responsibility. I have seen men consumed with their career and having fun and stringing along a good woman, and expecting her to wait for him until he is done having his fun and then maybe get married. But of course, he has no biological clock that is ticking. And when push comes to shove: “I never forced you to stay with me all this time. You chose to stay” meanwhile they were just saying all the right things to make you think they want what you want without actually making you any promises. And in the end, it’s the woman’s fault for sticking it out.

I have seen a lot of good men as well and I have witnessed healthy marriages and relationships. But they are few and far between compared to the other ones. One could argue and say, you should focus on the positive. Focus on the marriages that are still standing strong. Maybe yours will be the same. And as much as I would agree with that, I will say: well here it is – “maybe”. It’s the maybe that scares me. I want for sure. I want certain. But that is not possible today. Back then, in the old days, there was no maybe. There was we are getting married till death do us part – and that’s what they did. Now, it’s just words we repeat when we take those vows, and then we break them and we justify why we do. And that’s why I am scared. I know there is no guarantee in Life for anything. But I don’t wanna get married with a 50 – 50 chance, it may or may not work. I want at least have a 90% chance it will last. I leave the other 10% for things outside my control. And until I feel the 90% is there. I am not taking any more chances than I already have. It’s enough already.

Anyway, that’s my take on this subject. There are a lot more questions than answers sometimes. This topic is one of those. The happy people who haven’t dealt with what broken-hearted people had to go through won’t really understand. If you were lucky in love and marriage, God bless you, you are one of the lucky ones. Not all of us were lucky though. Some have to endure a lot till they get there. Some endure and never do. It’s just a fact of life. But whether you decide you want to get married or stay single for whatever reasons you have. You are entitled. One thing I ask of you and that goes for Men and Women: “do not – please – I repeat – do not string along your partner and tell them what they want to hear, just to keep them next to you when you have no intentions to fulfilling what they really want.” That is my request from everyone. Please be honest. It is just not fair. You cannot have your cake and eat it too. Do the selfless thing, and set them free, if you know you cannot give them what their hearts desire. And so we are left with this question: To Marry or not to Marry??

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