What am I searching for?

I wake up once again by some lady’s voice yelling and laughing, just a little before dawn and once again I can’t fall back to sleep. As I listen to unfamiliar sounds of the night. From cock-crow to insects drone to birds chirping followed by a little of residential traffic with occasional motorbike passing. I hear all this and I wonder, why did I have to wake up now. I wanted to sleep some more. My alarm still had couple of hours and I need to sleep well for the day I planned ahead. But what can I say, the more I struggle to go back to sleep, the more I awaken. So I allowed some more crazy thoughts to take over my mind and here I am writing them. 

A nagging question that keeps coming up in my mind: What am I after? What am I searching for? I have this repeated urge to look for some answers. I have many questions that are deep in nature and hard to find answers to. However, something seems to be pushing me to keep on questioning. I walked away from the city noise and from all distractions and I decided to be alone for a while because I was looking for some peace and quiet. Some time to reflect and to go within. While I am here, I ask myself: why did I come here specifically or is it just a coincidence. I came with some objective or plan to accomplish some things and to experience some things. But what I didn’t plan for is to have these questions in my mind. I guess that’s what happens when you free your mind from thinking about all the garbage of day-to-day life.

One question seems to prevail and that is: “what lesson did I come here to learn on earth? Or is it lessons?” Followed by: “And what happens after I learn or grasp this lesson? Do I then die?” That creates another crazy thought: “Am I ready to die?” That’s when I freak out and I am almost afraid to seek any answers at this time. Then I confront myself boldly and I say: “obviously my desire to seek knowledge and to learn the truth is far bigger than my fears.” That’s why I am here I guess.

I figure, if I understand myself much better, if I tap into areas that were ignored or buried, I might just discover a thread that might eventually lead me to answering my questions or at least one of them.

Getting in touch with my inner self has been a desire of mine for many years, I just took baby steps to get to this point where I am now. And I am not afraid for what I am about to learn. I am ready. I have managed to peel of a lot of the layers that were blocking me from seeking the truth. I have opened my mind and my heart to new possibilities, to different point of views and mostly to find the truth.

But am I here to just learn some lessons or do I have “A Calling” of some sort. I can’t see it being all about me discovering things and understanding deep theories in life just to keep it to myself and not share it with the world; with whoever wants to listen anyway. I also can’t see how useful my findings would be if it were just for me. This is the moment when I realize, that it is all connected somehow. My search for self, my desire to understand and to dig deep to uncover the unexplained is all to prepare me for what I am meant to be and do in this life. I have a much more important role to play than just existing for myself. The question remains, what is it?

Maybe the answer will present itself at the right time; and maybe it is in my hands to find that time. All will be revealed, no doubt in that.

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