How do I start to express how I feel right now. I’m speechless. How do I explain the pain I feel in my heart. There are no words really. This pain is like your organs are being twisted inside your body to the point you can’t breath. Even when you cry, you do it from deep inside. Tears fall down uncontrollably. You don’t know how to stop it. You don’t wanna stop it. It doesn’t really make you feel better. But you can’t help it. You just have to release whatever you feel. Holding it in would be the worst thing you can do.
And so I allow myself to grief, to cry, to say how I feel. They are all mixed emotions. They are my emotions. No one can feel what I feel. Cause no one is in my shoes. No one is living my life, with all its circumstances. No one experienced what I had with him. I can’t even say his name. It hurts when I do. He is so special to me. He is a part of me. He is Gedo. (Grandpa)
I can’t help but hear his voice calling my name in his own special way. A line he used to say to me with a smile. He would say it and sing it his own style. These words keep ringing in my head. They over power me, I almost want it to stop. I can’t keep hearing this. It’s killing me.
How do I say goodbye to him? How do I let him go? How do I accept he is really gone. I will never hug him again. I will never kiss him. I will never hear his voice yet; I keep hearing it, and I can almost feel his touch. He is here with me. He is no longer in this body that lays still, cold and lifeless. He is watching over me now from a better place. He feels me. He knows I miss him. And he knows I love him.
On many occasions he complimented me. He supported me. He understood me more than my own mom and dad. We had many nice talks. He spoke to me as an adult. He respected what I wanted to do for my life. He trusted in me. He knew I was gonna do great things with my life. He wished me well every time he talked to me. He gave me his blessings and prayed for me. He loved me in a way – no one ever can.
I can’t believe he won’t be there if I get married or if I have a baby. Yes his spirit is there. But it’s just not the same. I want him here. I want him to see it. He is in a different realm now. I wish I can have a chat with him to ask him how does he feel, now that he moved on. What was it like in that moment when he took his last breath. Does he know all the answers now. The answers that I have a million questions for. I guess that’s wishful thinking on my part.
So many memories come flooding into my head, like a movie playing. I see him laughing. I see him yelling. I see him walking. I see him holding me. I remember all the talks we had. I remember the things he loved. I remember the words he used to say. I learned from him one of the most important lessons in life. He was a very wise man. A family man. He loved his family gathered in his house. He wouldn’t let you walk out that door before you had eaten something and had anything to drink. Water was not considered a drink. His hospitality, although at times seemed too much, yet it showed how generous he is. What I would give to have another moment like this. How I wish I can hear him telling me to go get something from the fridge and not feel shy. All I am left with now is memories after memories. I close my eyes and imagine he is right there infront of me. I look right into his eyes. And I hear him telling me: “Ranuya, enough crying my child, I’m happy here”.
It feels like I travelled in space to meet him one on one and in my distress, he comforts me. He heals me with his love. I cry no more. At least for now.
Gedo, I will never forget you. You are a part of me that will never die. I may find a way to live on earth without you, because I have to. In my heart you will remain. In my dreams you will appear. In my life you will be present. Your spirit is around me. And with that I can find a way to live. I have no regrets because for one there is no point, and second I feel in my heart he knew I did everything I could to show him how much I love him and appreciate him. He is smiling now, because he is proud of me; his first grandchild. Thank you Gedo for being the good example I needed as a child and as an adult. Thank you for your unconditional love. Thank you for your words of wisdom. I miss you more than you know, or may be you do know. I love you now and forever. Till we meet again ….