What’s left

I sit here on my bed surrounded by papers, cards, envelopes and letters. Organizing my mess, looking through years of accumulated memories. My life as far as I can remember. From the late stage of my childhood into my adulthood and through several stages of my life. What’s left of that life I lived so far?

It’s all in those cards. It’s written in those letters. I look at them in disbelief. I am reminded of people who are no longer in my life. I am taken back to different times along my journey. I wonder how these people are doing? I hope they are all okay. Some meant a great deal to me. Some I wish; our ties never ended; but it did for some odd reason or for no reason at all. I never understood why some of them disappeared, I just had to accept that their time in my life has fulfilled its purpose. And now they shall remain only in my memory.

I smile, I laugh and I cry all at the same time. I read through some of this collection. And I recall how I felt. I recall who I was at that time. And I am amazed at all the things I’ve been through, good and bad. And I am more amazed at the series of events that took place until now. And I am here to tell the story.

Who would have thought, this is where I would be in this point in time. Who would have thought I would live this kind of life. Who would have thought that one day I would sit and have years worth of memories. Years that tell a story. Years that describe the influence I had on some people I met along the way. Words written from family to friends to coworkers to previous lovers. Poems written to me that touch my heart in ways no one can imagine. Feelings of pure love that overpower me that I burst into tears. How can many people love me this much?

Yet, I am sitting here alone with what’s left of those precious times. It’s all memories that live in my heart. And the material evidence is just a reminder of who I am, who I was and the life I lived so far.

I am not sure why I am going through all those emotions. Is it part of my transformation? Am I about to go through a major shift? Feels like it. It’s not strange to me considering all the other events that took place in the most recent months. I am embarking on a new chapter in my life. Or in my case, a new book all together. And in this new book, some characters will continue on while some may disappear, just as it previously occurred. With every page that turns, my reality changes and it becomes clearer. So I don’t mind I’m going through this cleansing stage right now. I welcome it. It’s time I look back just enough so I can move forward.

Those memories are so valuable to me. But I don’t need those cards and letters. The people who left a mark in my life, are in my heart always. I may not remember the details but I know how I feel. No matter where life takes us and whether or not we are in touch in the physical world. What truly matters is the impact we had on each others’ souls.

What’s left of those memories I collect and keep in a box. It’s simply a reminder that I am loved by everyone I cross path with. And that’s not being vain. It’s the truth and it’s me. So it’s better I am reminded of this, in case I have any doubt.

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