How low can you go

A term that can be interpreted in many ways and it can apply to various scenarios. However, for today’s purpose, I am using this term to describe how far we are willing to put ourselves down in order to save a relationship and win back a person we love so much; someone we can’t bare the thought of living without. What would you do? How far would you go to salvage what means the world to you? How low would you go?

And why do I refer to it as “how low?” Instead of “how high?” There is a difference when you interpret low and high. The emotions associated with high is usually uplifting. While the emotions with low is usually downing. In other words there is a decrease in the value of what you are describing. This is how it’s been understood.

The actions in which we partake is co-related with the desperation we feel at the time. When we allow ourselves to reach this point of desperation, we start to vibrate on a different frequency. Thus, we lose our self-worth, we are blinded to our self-love and we are lost in an ocean of self-pity. Once you allow yourself to go there, it’s a very difficult journey to get back up to the surface. You go deeper and deeper in your own sinkhole.

So how low you do go is depending on how desperate you feel. You justify it to yourself from the start; that you are following your heart, and that there is no pride in love. Even more, “who cares what it may look like”. You find answers / justifications for all the doubts that cross your mind as you drown deeper. Until you reach the point to say: “I don’t care, I’m doing this. I’m fighting for what I want; regardless of the price I have to pay”. You don’t even realize at this moment that the price you are paying is YOURSELF. As a matter of fact, you don’t see it. You don’t want to see it. You have made up your mind that you will go after what you want and you feel totally justified. And who can stand in the way of such conviction and determination. Nothing; and no one.

The only person who can save you is YOU. But only when you are ready to see it. Until then, all words will go on deaf ears. It’s almost impossible to get through to someone who reached to this point of self-sacrifice and self-sabotage. That’s how low they did go.

The reasons may vary in each situation. But many times it’s due to low self-esteem / self-confidence / self-worth / self-love, the need for validation, attachment, and a desperate feeling or thought that this is the best I will ever find; therefore I must hold on to it. Even if the price to pay is to make oneself a piece of crap. Which essentially is what you do.

You raise the other person so high on a pedestal, you praise them for all their goodness and totally disregard the negative attributes that you once saw and pretend they don’t exist. You make that person out to be your hero and your only choice for survival. You attach your own existence to their presence and their happiness in life. You start to make promises that are utterly unrealistic. In return, you undermine yourself. You point out all your faults and start to take responsibility for everything that went wrong and absolve them completely from it. You erase your “self” and you don’t give much thought to anything you want. Because you have attached your happiness to theirs; your existence to theirs. You have completely lost yourself; you don’t exist. You only exist through your life with them. Because this person has become the air your breathe and the nourishment you need to survive. That’s how low you go.

For a while, you believe that to be true. You convince yourself you did the right thing by making yourself vulnerable and totally open to the person you love. Day and night, all you think about is how much you love this person and that you are willing to do whatever it takes to be with them. You give them the upper hand to control your life, your feelings, your present and your future. You beg and you plead. You may travel across the oceans and make yourself available for them to have pity on you and oblige to your plea of despair. But you never find peace. You never find solace in the desperation approach. Even if it works for a while and the person you love comes back to you. Your suffering will not end there. It’s only the start of suffering of a different kind. You may get what you worked hard for; the person you love. But after some time; you will realize what you have done to yourself and you will see the cycle repeats itself and you will be kicked to the curb, and left to pick up the pieces to what’s left of you. That’s how low you have allowed yourself to go.

Was it worth it? Is this what you really wanted? Is this the happiness that you were holding on to so tight? Is this the life you imagined? I bet it’s nothing like you pictured it would be when you followed that “desperate voice” in a moment of weakness, degraded yourself and lost your way. Instead of picking yourself up and finding ways to love and respect yourself; you did the exact opposite. And you justified it to yourself too. So what now? Where do you go from here? Back to square one.

You always have a choice. The choice to love yourself and know your value, and a choice to run after a mirage that would take you on a spiral journey and bring you back with more scars to the point where it all started. You can choose the hard road or the less hard road. There are no easy roads. They all need work and they all need you to keep your head up. The right road, however, will be the one where you never take away your self-worth. It is okay if you lost your way. It is alright if you had to learn the really hard way. Sometimes we can’t learn unless we get burned badly. It’s unfortunate, but that’s our human nature.

Now that you have learned. Now that you have seen that lowering your worth doesn’t bring you happiness. And now that you learned if someone or something was good for you from the start, it wouldn’t have left. Now that you know that the tighter you hold on, the more it slips away. Now that you learned that only the best for you is what will remain. Now that you have lived the suffering and felt the pain. Only now, you know that it’s not worth it to stoop so low. Your worth is much higher than how low you would ever let yourself go.

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