Does it get easier?

It’s been a while since I heard your voice or saw your face. I guess I’ve been distracted with life and all it’s craziness. I thought I was getting stronger and able to hold my emotions together. Not until I accidentally came across a recording you addressed to me one day. As soon as I heard you call my name, I burst into tears. I miss you so much. But I will be frank, I’m glad you are not here right now living in the midst of this chaos. You are better off being where you are.

I am not sure how exactly it gets easier as time passes, when you lose someone you love dearly. The only thing I can say is, life goes on and your memory is all that exists today.

When I go somewhere you have been, when I eat something you used to like, when I find myself saying a word you used to repeat, I think of you, or should I say, I remember. And when I remember, I make the effort to smile instead of allowing my tears to gather in my eyelids. I shake it off quickly and say something cheerful, to help me turn this memory into a happy moment instead of sadness and grief.

It doesn’t always work though. Sometimes, the grief takes over and I can’t fight it anymore. I give in and I allow myself to cry. Perhaps it will sooth me and I can relax after. Except, I can’t just relax. All I do is think how life has changed since you passed to the other side. I think, what would life be now if you were still here. And in a brief moment, I choke up as I feel guilty that I didn’t make your dreams come true.

All my Grandpa ever wanted, was to see me get married and be happy. He said it every time he spoke to me. He wished it and he prayed it on every birthday greeting. He gave me his blessings every chance he had. His words, I can never forget. They ring out in my head and I just can’t help but want to throw myself in his arms. Oh, that hug. Nothing and no one can ever replace that hug.

Maybe it was no coincidence that I came across this recording now, near his memorial anniversary. Maybe it was a special visit. Maybe it was a sign of love. Maybe my grandpa was just trying to tell me – I miss you too.

I love you Grandpa ❤️ And I miss you today just as I did the day you left.

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