A while go, I was inspired to write. Yet for my own safety, I couldn’t release those thoughts. I couldn’t speak my truth. I had to be careful with every move I make. It was just a temporary situation I had to endure until I could be free to write and post what I truly felt. The time is now right and I can share my thoughts of this one sunny afternoon in a place that brought me back to life.
“I sit here staring at this blank page as I feel the urge to write and express a feeling inside of me that I can’t quite understand. I feel so empty inside. I feel … dead. I don’t remember when the last time I felt alive. I don’t remember when I felt true joy and laughed with all my being. It seems like I have been on autopilot for quite some time now. A part of me knows why and the other part is questioning if I am truly aware of the reason. Why haven’t I taken action? What is stopping me from taking back my life? What is truly holding me back?
Fear, perhaps is the culprit. But fear of what exactly? Fear of finding my true self again? Fear of the unknown? Fear of the consequences of my choices? Fear of confronting those who may oppose, judge and discourage me from finding the way back to myself. Perhaps because I know, my perspective in Life has always been opposite to those who will judge. I feel like I am at the tip of just walking away from everything and everyone I know. I am fed up and have reached my limit of having to explain myself over and over, while still on deaf ears.
I was never understood. I was usually blamed and scolded. People give themselves the right to judge all the time, yet they don’t like it when they get the same treatment. What can I say, hypocrecy I guess. Perhaps this is the end of the road for me with giving a damn of anyone’s righteous opinion. Everyone thinks their opinion is the right one of course. Didn’t I conclude long time ago not to allow others’ opinions to affect me? What happened? Why am I trying to please other people when it is at my own expense? I ask myself this question and I know very well the answer.
Indeed, I am having an internal dialogue. One that has been long overdue. What happened to my spirit? I don’t feel me anymore. I don’t feel the person that used to have a glow in her eyes with a zest for life and adventure? What happened to my smile? Why do I feel like I am being so fake, living a fake life, just going through the motions?
My body is rejecting my current circumstances, so is my soul. I don’t feel I am being my authentic self. I won’t go as far as to say I am lost. I feel like I am somewhere in there still. I just need to peel off a few dirt layers that have covered and buried me under. I stretch out my hands from under the rubble, grasping for some air, as I ask for help to get out of this rabbit hole that I got myself into without realizing its depth. I thought I could handle it. I underestimated the power of the quick sand that got a hold of my feet and pulled me under so fast, I had no idea what was waiting for me.
I am not lost. I am not confused. I am not blinded. I am not scared. I will face the challenges ahead. I will climb up and get out of this deep, deep hole. I will find a way. And I will conquer.”
Fast forward to this moment as I am writing this article feeling so different from the way I described my feelings when I wrote the above thoughts. Without going into too much details about the events that took place, let’s just say, I saved my spirit. I took drastic action to save my life from destruction. I found the courage deep within, I fought back and I escaped from the deep hole I was in. It took lots of planning, lots of patience and lots of support from people that love me. I am so grateful for the love I received and continue to receive.
I never thought in a million years, I would have lived such an experience. Here I thought I had lived quite an eventful life thus far, not realizing that it can still get even more interesting. I am choosing my words here. I am trying to express my relief and at the same time, protect my privacy.
Today I can say, I am well and will continue to be getting stronger. I will heal from this horrific experience that I am choosing to take as an expensive lesson I needed to learn, one that cost me dearly. I look up to the sky and I smile to the heavens as I say to God: “Thank you for bringing me to it and then through it.” I chuckle as I tilt my head to one side continuing to say: “ok God, I hear you loud and clear. I get it now. I get the message. I promise I will not make that same mistake again.” Then I walk into nature, feeling hugged by the warm air, smelling the grass, feeling presence of spirits around me.
“I feel you Grandma watching over me .. oh how I miss you right now. Thank you for your guidance. I love you.”