You take my breath away …. My heart is racing …. I’m speechless …. I love you …
These are some of the statements you will find yourself repeating when you are living a deep love story. Indeed, we may live these moments repeatedly with different partners. However, each one is a unique feeling. Each, has its own taste of bliss. And rightfully so.
When you love someone so deeply, you can’t help but daydream and fantasize. You think of him/her constantly. Everything you do and everywhere you go may have an attachment to your love. Even if you haven’t experienced something with him/her, you start wishing that you could. You wonder what it would be like if he/she was next to you right at that moment. You have that goofy smile on your face that won’t go away. Your cheeks start to hurt from smiling too much. “Have you heard of too much smiling?” Well, I can tell you, it can happen.
You know you are in love when you want to pick up the phone and tell everyone you know that you found what you were looking for. Yet in the same moment, you want to keep this as your biggest secret, because you want to protect this love from any jealousy or envy. You want to keep living in bliss. Therefore, you choose a select few to tell, the reason behind your disappearance and busy schedule all of a sudden. You tell those, whom you know will wish you well, because they only want the best for you.
Not only are you falling, but you are falling hard and fast, faster than you ever imagined. The next time you are taking a breath, you realize you have fallen madly in love with someone that makes you incredibly happy. You wonder, “where did he/she come from?” Almost in total disbelief at times, you stop and question what is actually happening. But you can’t understand it, not fully anyways. All you know is that it feels profoundly euphoric. And you are okay with that explanation for now.
Just when you opened your heart fully, and you start to get comfortable in this new love, you get a red flag. What is a red flag? Simply put, it’s a sign that something is not right. It is a warning that your brain is suddenly sensing a funky smell. Perhaps a short circuit, or a spoiled fish. Warning signs are innately embedded within us. We know intuitively when we are mistreated. However, it is not that easy to pick up on, because our judgment is clouded when we are deeply in love and everything else seems to be going fantastically.
The problem is, these subtle hints you get a glimpse of, you dismiss and find justifications to. The reason you do this, is because you cannot fathom the idea that the cloud-nine, you have been floating on all this time, is getting burst. The pedestal you have placed your significant other on, is about to collapse. It is easier to continue believing that everything is just fine. And these incidents, that are still not acceptable by any means, are just a cause of something that shall pass and never repeat.
Little do you know, that once you excuse one bad behaviour, more will follow. Little do you also know that you are about to go on a roller coaster ride of emotional and mental turmoil for as long as you allow.
Bad things don’t just happen to you. You are not just ‘unlucky’. You are not ‘jinxed’, either. And no there is no sign on your forehead that says ‘I am naive’, or ‘I am easily fooled’. What in fact is happening though, is you are being fooled by a fake persona that this person has portrayed for you to fall deeply in love with. The real person behind this mask will eventually come out and reveal itself, because inevitably, no one can hide their true identity for long. Long enough though to feel secure, you will not leave at the first sign of seeing his/her ugly side.
They will find million excuses and will always be ready with an answer. And if you are resisting and not falling for the bullshit, the gaslighting starts. They will say anything to bring you down to your knees and they will never feel sorry for hurting you even when they say the words. You will never get a straight answer out of them. Secrecy is their middle name. They will deflect, deny and distract from their wrong doing at all costs. They will never own it. It is always your fault or the world’s fault. They never did anything wrong. You will hear them say: “This is all on you this time. I did nothing wrong.” Funny, it is the same statement every single time. Watch out from the rage and anger tantrums too. If they are getting angry over the stupidest things, and their reaction is over the top, you have another problem. Although they will try to convince you that getting angry is normal and that most people would react in the same manner. Do not believe that.
When confronted about something they said or did, “That didn’t happen this way, or, I did not say that.” The natural response from you would be: “well then I must be imagining things or making things up.” But you know you are not. They just play these dirty games to get you second guessing your own sanity. They are so sick in the head, they will do anything to mess with you, even attempt to draw a wedge between you and the closest people in your life. Make you second guess your connection and bond altogether. Do no fall for that. It is all part of their game to isolate you so they can have total control over you. And that’s when you wake up one day and ask yourself: “Who are you? And what have you done with the person I fell in love with?”
This is why the honeymoon stage was bliss. This is why you thought they had come down from heaven on a white horse – just to sweep you off your feet and live your happily ever after. How would you have known that what seemed too good to be true, ended up truly being too good to be true. You wanted to believe otherwise. You wanted to believe that it is possible to find this kind of love, this kind of connection, this kind of bliss. While it is absolutely possible and I agree with you that it can happen. Just not with this particular person. Why?
Simple. Because the red flags appeared. Because you feel uneasy about some things. Because your gut feeling is right. Because you are not naïve and you are not a fool. You know what feels right and what doesn’t. And WHEN you do open your eyes, you have two choices: go back and close your eyes and endure more endless pain and heartache, or leave. Really, these are your only options. There is a middle option which you might choose to explore, but remember this is not the best solution, it will not be easy and it may not be successful no matter what you try.
This option, you may use at your discretion, if you feel, this person is willing to accept they need professional help to heal from their own trauma and destructive behaviour. Go to therapy together. Monitor they are replacing their undesirable behaviour with better ones. Be alert to more red flags. They might play with you, that therapy card. If they revert to their usual self, they haven’t been taking this therapy seriously at all. They just had to up their game and manipulation to a higher level not to lose you. Anything is possible with people who carry those kinds of trauma and insecurities. Remember, they are like children who just need love from their caregiver. They are internally damaged for whatever reason. Something happened in their childhood that caused them to build this personality and choose this way of life. They may be victims of their circumstance, but playing the victim role forever is not by force. It is a choice.
I cannot emphasize enough, please see through the mind games, the lies, and the manipulations. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Do not get sucked in by the sweet love words and even few magical gestures of love. Buying you things you need or love, sending you all kinds of love notes and quotes that you are meant to be together, asking you to put in more effort than you already have, pleading for a second chance, when you are already on your tenth one. Pay attention to these signs. These are more red flags that you may not have noticed. Differentiate between the things he/she really are into, versus, mimicking being into the same things you are into just to gain a point in your heart. When someone is really into what you enjoy doing, they would be doing those things on their own too, not only when they are with you.
Open your eyes and see, even when it is so painful. Pull the bandage off quickly. Instead of torturing yourself. See the truth for what it is. See your significant other as who they had shown themselves. Do not pick and choose what you prefer to see. They showed you their good and their bad. Can you live with their bad? Can you handle the roller coaster ride? Can you deal with the constant back and forth between the sweet adorable person to the unbearable, ‘who the hell are you’ person? Do you want to live your life with this kind of uncertainty? How many second chances are you going to give? How many fake ‘I am sorrys’ are you willing to hear? How much abuse are you ready to endure? The question is: “why?”
While not all love stories are horrible, some are truly beautiful and you can find that charming, beautiful person inside and out that will join you on your journey to live together, learning, making mistakes and growing side by side. Happily-ever-after does not exist. Every relationship requires a lot of work to succeed. It requires a special kind of commitment to do what it takes, to ride through the storms of life. However, life is not meant for you to be battling the external storms as well as the ones from the person who is supposed to be on your side. That’s just too much.
When you fall in love, fall in love and enjoy every minute of it. When you get shaken off your cloud nine, it is time to check the foundation you are building your life on. If it is not on solid ground, try to give it some support. If in every attempt, the foundation breaks, you have your answer. This is not a good one for you to build your life on. Move on and the right one for you will come WHEN it is time. WHEN you have healed. WHEN you have learned more about yourself because of this experience. WHEN you have learned why you attracted such a person in your life from the start. WHEN you get all those answers, you will be ready to find true love, a love you deserve.