I am an individual who had a hard time asking for help and receiving in general. It’s been a lifelong challenge and mission to improve. I struggled for most of my adult life asking anyone for help unless it was a dire need. I was adamant on being self-sufficient and totally independent even if I had to suffer. I couldn’t see past my need to take care of myself and to never need anyone or depend on anyone. There are reasons for this behaviour that is rooted to my personal experience growing up. I’m all grown up now. I don’t have to continue protecting myself at my own detriment.
I am a giver and nurturer by nature. I give my all sometimes till I’m burnt out. I give my trust easily till I learn the hard way. I have given my trust to those who took advantage of my kindness and mistaken it for weakness. My loving nature and my motto in life in giving everyone the benefit of the doubt has come back to bite me in the butt time and time again.
I have given my time to others with no regrets. I learned along my journey that my time is indeed so valuable. I would rather spend time alone, working on my self-care and growth than to be spending time doing meaningless things with people. Whether they have taken me for granted, don’t quite match me and my values or plainly grown apart and have opposite desires and goals in life, all lead to the same outcome.
I have given my learned-lessons and little wisdom I am blessed with, and it was held against me as a weapon to bring me down and devalue me. I have given my heart to many who didn’t value it and broke it into pieces. And so I’m always left collecting the broken pieces and putting them back together.
Yes, I have given so much of myself. I have given on many levels and I don’t usually keep a tally of what I have given or to whom. I just give because it is who I am. However, in times where I am confronted with having to reassess my decisions, tolerance, boundaries and judging of characters I allowed into my life, I am forced to recall to the surface all that I have done, all that I have given, all that I have asked for and all that I didn’t ask for.
I am learning about myself each day. I am learning that the more I know and the more I uncover about who I truly am, I realize I know nothing still. Just when I thought I have figured things out, I face a big blow that knocks me down to the ground. It seems that I only learn my biggest lessons when I’m hit the hardest.
The good news is I have learned to accept this as part of my evolution. I don’t question why this is happening to me. I have grown from that paradigm a while back. I am now in the: “what is this situation teaching me? What do I need to release? How do I need to improve in this new stage of my journey? How will this lesson prepare me for my service in this world?” These are my questions now.
I am very pleased with myself as I have started to ask for help. I learned that I don’t have to suffer. I don’t have to get everything done alone. I learned that there are good people who will help me when I need, simply because I am loved. Not because they want something in return.
I learned to put my trust in the relationships I have built over the years. I don’t need to fear rejection. Because I am worthy of people’s love. I don’t need to worry about paying anyone back, because love is the foundation of acts of kindness.
Helping others is not a business transaction as I witnessed with some people. These people actually don’t understand the meaning of helping one another. I must not let that influence my views on asking for help and receiving the help. There is no obligation for anyone to lend a helping hand. Likewise, there is no obligation to repay someone who helped you.
These lessons seem simple and straight forward. Yet, many of us don’t truly get it and live it because we have been scarred or have been misinformed. Some of us had terrible experiences when we asked for help the first time. And since then, as a defense mechanism, closed that door and no longer an option. It caused us pain. It brought us down to our knees. Therefore, we decided to never open that door again.
I decided it is time for me to open that door. It was a little cracked. Not totally shut and locked with a key. I had the key all along and it has been a work in progress. Now I can say, I have opened it, knowing I don’t need to be afraid. I can ask for help. And the person is either able to or not. It is not a rejection if they can’t or decide not to. It’s their choice. Why take it personal? It has nothing to do with me. I can ask someone else. Maybe they can. Maybe they can’t. It’s okay. Until someone can and will. And I am ready and open to receive the help which ultimately is being ready to receive love. That’s what receiving help from others really mean. It’s a form of pure love. Nothing more. Nothing less.