Many times we question ourselves in how we are processing our thoughts about our partners, their past, and who they have shown themselves to be. We convince ourselves we don’t need to know the past because now is all that matters. We are told not to judge someone based on their history because the situation is not the same. While this logic is true, there is more to it than meets the eye. Listen to that inner voice that tells you something is not right. Trust your intuition.
We wonder why is there so many divorces now, compared to a good forty to fifty years ago. Who is to blame, the society or human behaviour? Why do we wait after years has passed to express discontent in our partner? Who are we hurting in the end, when we pretend, we are not bothered or concerned, when in fact, the things we never liked from day one, were a big deal to us.
Was it that you never saw these characteristics in your partner, before you said “I Do”? Was it that you occasionally got a glimpse of these things you normally wouldn’t accept, but decided to ignore and hoped it wouldn’t be so bad when you are married? Or was it that you thought they would change. Did you find yourself giving excuse after excuse and justifying their unacceptable behaviour? Or were you afraid of being judged by others for making a big deal about things that shouldn’t matter. Did you intentionally have a blind eye to what you saw and continued in a relationship, you felt uneasy about, rather felt it was too late and too deep to get out without damages. So instead, you keep on damaging yourself, your partner, and anyone else involved (a child or a dependent parent).
No one said it was easy to end a relationship. And who said there are no damages when two lives separate at any stage of the relationship. The severity of that damage will vary based on each scenario. Nonetheless, as humans, we are inclined to become judgement-deficient, follow unsuitable advice, even worse, convince ourselves of stories that aren’t true. The result is never-ending pain and torture for yourself and others involved.
Why would you stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy? Why do you allow yourself to live in agony and constant disappointment? Why are you afraid to set your boundaries and cut the cord if you have to?
Yes, I am asking you these questions. Because at some point you need to. It is easy to get caught up in the web and the never-ending blame game. Even worse, you focus on the petty issues and analyze your challenges on the surface level, rather than digging deep to the root of the problem. It never is about why she didn’t tell you her plans with her friends, and it never is he forgot to tell you he was previously engaged. It wasn’t an accident him looking through your phone and it wasn’t unintentional when she accused you of your controlling tendencies. She didn’t call you selfish for no reason and he didn’t walk out on you in the middle of a conversation at the dinner table because he just needed to cool off. These are just a few examples that indicate bigger problems and deeper traumas that couples bring into their relationships before doing the work and healing first.
While past traumas and deep pain are a part of all of us, it is advisable that you deal with those things first and be in a better place mentally and emotionally, even physically at times, before getting involved in another relationship. We all bring baggage into our new relationships. Some however, are intolerable than others. They may be so destructive, that we end up hurting those we love without realizing. By the time we do, it may be too late. Some relationships, when they break, they can never be repaired. Do not wait until it is too late. Listen to what your partner is saying. Acknowledge their feelings. Attempt to work on yourself to be a better version of yourself by healing your pain and moving past your limiting beliefs. The cost may be too high if you don’t, and only you will live that loss.
It is sad that you have forgotten about your needs for your own growth. It is disheartening that you have become so attached to the idea of being in a relationship with someone you wanted to be the one to spend the rest of your life with, that you lost yourself in the process. Be with the right person for you now, not the one who could be. Be clear with what you want from the relationship, for yourself and your partner. If it isn’t working, leave. Don’t hold on to a fantasy that will never come true. Hoping that someone will change for you is foolish and unrealistic. Change comes from within the individual him/herself. Permanent and substantial change happens when someone wants to heal, not because you gave them the ultimatum that you will leave if they don’t. That is a recipe for additional pain and disappointment. Save yourself the heartache and walk away.
If only we were true to ourselves. If only we listened to our hearts. If only we followed our instincts and paid attention to the signs, the red flags; the answers to our prayers. If only we stopped listening to others’ opinions on how to live our lives. If only we listened to our intuition.