When Choosing Yourself Means Losing Them

The other day I raised a question, not realizing that one day I will end up writing about it. I simply asked, “What would you do if you were forced to choose between the one you love and your family?” After reading the couple of comments, it got me thinking and I realized a very sad thing. A lot of people don’t actually understand what it is like being in such a position.

I don’t necessarily blame those who don’t really get it. I think may be it is time they see things through the eyes of those who are most affected by my question.

One comment really stuck with me. It said, “Depending on your upbringing and the family you are part of.” This is the key here. Generally, it is safe to say, “My family wants me to be happy.” Well, they certainly do. Seldom, it is their intention to make you miserable, except in rare cases. However, they end up infliction stress and unhappiness onto their children without intention.

Sadly, parents are at times oblivious to their Adult Children’s needs and the things that make them happy. The Adult Child, on the other hand, is afraid to stand up to their parents because they are fully aware of what is ‘culturally’ acceptable and not. As a result, make the tough choice by letting go of what they truly want to avoid a battle in the family.

Ultimately, our families expect us to make sacrifices for them. To suit their beliefs, their expectations, their agendas, their comfort and so on. It’s actually all they know. They remind you that they brought you in this world, raised you, took care of you, spent their hard-earned money on your education that made you who you are today. So how dare you oppose the family traditions. How dare you fight over what is acceptable. Meanwhile, you have your own dreams, your own perspective, your own beliefs,. You have a whole life ahead of you – so what do you do? Are you going to live your life or you going to let others – including parents – run your life for you?

Most of us love our families, our parents in particular along with our siblings. They are in most cases – the closest people in your life. If you are a family person, then your family means a lot to you. This means that every time you make a decision for yourself, you have to think if it fits in with their way of thinking, their attachments, their fears, their limited knowledge based on their lived experience. Even if they are older than you – that doesn’t always mean they know more than you. Especially with the huge generation gap in all aspects of life. From technology all the way to relationships.

The attachment you have towards your family can be your own doom if you allow it. You will always be faced with the same question every time you make a decision that concerns you. “Will they accept it?” And you know the answer to that otherwise you wouldn’t be asking it. You are not just torturing yourself or exaggerating, this is really the case because as long as you have lived with your family, they have always been involved in your decisions and every step you took in your life. From choosing your school, to your clothes, subjects of study, career path, jobs, all the way to your choices in a partner, the way you raise your children, where you should live, how much money you should spend, why and why not … and it is never ending.

Do not get me wrong, it is nice to have your parents stand by you and be a part of your journey as you grow and evolve in various stages of life. You cherish those moments and appreciate them. There are children out there who grew up without their parents or ever knowing their family. So we must always be grateful for living this experience.

Having said that, you can love your parents, appreciate their presence in your life, but live your OWN LIFE. Just as they lived theirs – or may that’s the issue here. Maybe this is just generational dysfunction being passed down one after the other. Maybe it stops here. Maybe it stops with you standing up and refusing to live in fear. May you don’t have to prove you respect and love them by erasing your existence entirely and catering to their every demand and wish.

How is it okay to be under scrutiny your whole life? Do they have the right to tell you what to do all the time just because they gave birth to you and raised you? Are you a possession? Will they ever cut that umbilical cord? When will it be okay to make your own decisions without being hassled about it?  when will they trust that you are now an ADULT?

These are the questions that some of us ask our parents when we are smothered with their presence in our lives. In some cases, not always though, parents just love their children too much and they are not able to let go and let them live. The intention may be to protect from harm or prevent what they perceive as danger or bad decision. It is their deep love for their children that makes them want to save them from pain and hurt. The thing is, no one can do that for anyone. Parents can never prevent or protect to this degree. Everyone must live their own experience in the end, including the mistakes. It is in those errors in judgement that we learn who we are and what we want. It is in falling on our face that we learn how to find the strength and courage to start over. This is called LIFE.

Some cultures are open-minded, others very closed minded. Some families are strict and care so much about their image more than their children’s happiness. Then you have those families who are on the opposite end of that spectrum, allowing their children to grow, be independent, make their own decisions whether right or wrong and allow them to learn from their mistakes and to understand the concept of being an adult and living with the consequences. You also have those families who follow their culture blindly whether right or wrong, never questioning the whys and why not’s. They do not care to think about the logic behind these rules and limitations passed down for ages. They just follow it and expect you to do the same. In certain cases, it is not only a matter of expecting you to follow, they force you to follow. And when the whole street you live in has the same attitude, same beliefs, same thoughts, how can you fight it? How can you go against it? Better yet, how can you be yourself, do what makes you happy, when clearly, it is not about your happiness, it’s about conforming, obeying and following what you are told.

Sometimes, the beliefs of families and the way they live their life is influenced by the religion in which they were brought up. We are all born into the religions of our families. It is true we all have the choice later on in life to decide what we want to believe or follow and our views about our religion may change as we grow older. In most family systems, you are bound to follow their belief system whether you choose to believe it or not.

Most people nowadays would agree that how you choose to worship God, is your relationship with God, no one else has the right to dictate to you what you should believe. Surprise, Surprise, that is not always the case. In some families, your head is on the line if you dare even think about it.

So what happens when you fall in love with someone from a different religion, let alone, a different culture. Heaven and earth is moved a thousand times if you decide to take the chance and try to live your own life and make your own decisions to build your own family. That is why I asked that question.

You know it is not fair – your parents will never accept it. The consequences may vary from simply your relationship with them will never be the same, to being ostricized from the whole family to a threat on your life.

Some may say, follow your heart and your family should just accept it. And if you lose them in the process, oh well, it’s their loss.. But it is not only their loss – is it? When you make the decision to follow your heart and go against the family, you just gave the biggest part of your life away. Yes, you can make a new life and a new family. But you also lost your own family that once upon a time meant the world to you. Will you then be happy? Will you ever regret your decision one day?

On the other hand – can you live with yourself by turning your back on YOU? Can you walk away from love? Are you going to force yourself to marry someone you don’t want to be with just to please your family? Or are you just sentenced for a life without love for the remainder of your life?

What happens then to the person who got involved with you? How is it their fault? Why should they suffer too? From day one, they tried to understand your position even though they come from a different background. Will the day come and they will have enough of this?

The answer: there is no fairness in this situation for either parties. Everyone in some way is a victim.  Until you decide you no longer will be. A choice will have to be made. Someone will not get what they want. It may be you, it may be the family. The one that hurts the most in this whole thing is everybody involved. Because everyone has a valid point to themselves.

Our families do not realize how much pressure they put on their kids. They want to see you smile, happy, healthy and successful. However, they do not see that they sometimes ruin lives, destroy beautiful feelings and take away the happiness they so desperately pray for.

All because they are so blinded by their beliefs, point of views, traditions and religion. They think they are always right and they know more than you. Truth is, we know more than them, because we are out there in the real world more than they are. They lived their time and they closed themselves in a bubble and they keep thinking things are the same way they left it. Their interactions are limited, the type of people they meet, the age group they hang out with are with the same mentality as theirs. They sit and complain about how their children are not listening to them, when really, it is the parents who are not listening to their children.

Even sadder, they are not paying attention to the dramatic changes that happened just in the past couple of years alone. They may think they are up to date just because they watch the news, maybe have a Facebook or Tik Tok account. The things they never get to know, are the things that do not get advertised. The things that happen in places they never go. Most Parents lose touch with reality, they get lost in time and they get stuck in the past – unfortunately. And they make horrible mistakes by assuming they know better than you. Sometimes, they do. Sometimes they manage to stay up to date and adapt to the changes. I just wish more of that was happening.

Instead, we have many cases of Adult Children paying the price for their families’ stubbornness and closed mindedness. In the end, no one is happy. Whichever way you go, there will be something to lose. And it is up to each person to decide, which loss they can live with more. It is not always a happy ending!! But we keep on hoping for one anyway!!